5 Modern Signs of a Cheating Boyfriend

by PeopleLooker 

Before smartphones stole our attention, the signs your boyfriend was cheating were different.

Suspicions might have arisen if he came home from work late. Or if someone was repeatedly calling the house phone and hanging up when you answered.

But thanks to today’s technology, your boyfriend has easy and instant access to connect with whoever crosses his mind: A girl he swiped on Tinder, an old crush he found on Facebook, a co-worker or someone he met at a coffee shop.

He could be having an affair on his phone while being in the same room as you and you wouldn’t even know it. That is, unless you know what to look for.

If you want to know if your boyfriend is cheating in today’s world, look for these modern signs:

1. He Won’t Let You Look at All the Apps on His Phone

Some apps save your location history. Other apps allow users to have secret conversations. If he’s not okay with you seeing what apps he has installed or if he gets anxious about you looking, it sounds like he doesn’t want you to know where he’s been.

2. He Gets Texts Messages Late at Night

Late-night texting could be a sign that he’s trying to conceal his communications with someone from you.

Then again, it could be his mom.

To get a clue, examine his body language when that next text pings at 1:11 AM.

What facial expression does he make upon reading the message?

Does he look happy? Excited? Does he have a smile he can’t wipe off his face?

If he’s smiling while texting back – think: does he typically have that smile when he’s texting his friends?

This is the kind of situation your instincts are made for. What is his smile saying? Does it look like the same smile he gave you when you first started dating?

His reaction to a late-night text will tell you a lot. If he rolls over in bed and ignores it, it’s probably nothing.

3. He Always Keeps His Phone on Silent

Did your boyfriend used to leave his phone on the kitchen counter and now he keeps it in his pocket on silent? If so, that sounds suspicious.

A cheating boyfriend doesn’t want to miss a beat of ecstasy by disappearing from a texting conversation with the other woman.

Guys who’ve admitted to cheating reveal they used to text the other woman right under their girlfriends’ noses – that means while lying next to her in bed, while talking in the kitchen, while in the passenger seat of the car, etc.

Just because your man is physically with you, it doesn’t mean he is mentally.

A guy who keeps his phone on silent around you doesn’t want you to know who is texting him or when.

4. He Has Suspicious Names or Numbers on His Phone

Are there any nicknames on his phone you don’t recognize? Or calls from unrecognizable numbers?

To keep his lover’s info hidden, he might try to pull a fast one on you. Some guys have put the other woman’s number within the contact info of one of his family members. Others will use only a first name, initials or a nickname to conceal her number on his phone.

And don’t just give up your quest for truth if he tells you it’s just a friend or co-worker. The accessibility of being connected to different people all the time could have led to an emotional affair.

5. He Says He Has “Issues” With His Phone, Email, Facebook, Etc. or His Phone Always “Dies”

If a guy is constantly blaming modern technology or a dead phone for randomly falling out of a conversation, it sounds like he’s hiding something.

You want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but this situation sounds more like an excuse to not talk to you. He could be limiting conversation with you so he can talk to her. Again, this is one of those situations your good instincts will lead you to truth.

Infidelity is as old as relationships, but the signs of a cheater have changed. Technology has become a sneaky way to cheat, so you should know which behaviors look like an affair.

About Justin Lavelle

Justin Lavelle is the Chief Communications Officer for PeopleLooker and it is the easy way to search for people. It gives you fast, affordable, and easy access to public records.

PeopleLooker is widely used by online daters who use background checks to help screen their potential dates. Find out ages, marital status, addresses, email addresses, phone numbers, criminal records, and so much more! All the records you need in one simple report.

Advertisements

Lisa Lackey Just a Moment Opening at Monmouth Museum

by Nasdaq Corporate Solutions

The Monmouth Museum’s New Jersey Emerging Artists Series will present Just a Moment by Lisa Lackey from July 14th through August 13th, 2017 in the Nilson Gallery at the Museum, located at 765 Newman Springs Road, Lincroft, NJ. The Opening Reception, July 14th, will be held from 6:00 PM – 8:00 PMLackey’s Gallery Talk will be held on July 19th from 7:00 PM – 8:00 PM, both the Opening Reception and the Gallery Talk are free and open to the public.

Lisa Lackey is an artist who focuses on recreating her version of the world through fabric, collaged onto canvas and overlaid with detailed stitching. She refers to her blend of fine art and craft as textile paintings. Fabric and thread replace the medium of paint on a canvas.

Her work is about capturing and translating moments from everyday life into textile images made from a collage of fabric color blocks overlaid with embroidered details. The image is of an organic moment in time where the artistic constructs of color, depth, and composition coalesce. She recreates these fleeting memories using traditional, centuries old textile craft techniques. “The layering of these different views of time into the work is very powerful for me,” she explains.

She was nurtured and inspired in the love and appreciation for all things visual by her graphic artist father and textile artist mother, while her love affair with sewing and women’s domestic craft traditions were handed down to her by her great-grandmother. This has led Lisa to create work with bold graphic fabric shapes intimately stitched with meticulous details.

A Maplewood resident, Lisa has lived in Manhattan, amongst 8.4 million people, which heightened her awareness of the issues of identity, both public and private.  Lackey continues, “I have chosen to eliminate facial identity from the information I present, so the people I portray may remain anonymous.  In truth, personal identity is not important to the story I am telling.  Our lives are universal in many respects, and it is this deeper understanding I choose to explore.”

A graduate of the University of Kansas and the School of Visual Arts, Lisa holds Bachelor degrees in both Architectural Engineering, and Environmental Design, as well as a Masters in Fine Arts. She teaches in a New York City public school, of which she is founding member. She currently has her residence and studio in Maplewood, New Jersey.

The New Jersey Emerging Artists Series, now in its eleventh season at the Monmouth Museum, features six annual solo exhibitions in the Nilson Gallery which provide a unique and exciting opportunity for New Jersey artists to showcase their work. The artists selected for this series represent the diversity of new talent in the State, and demonstrate their creativity in a wide variety of media. Gallery talks scheduled during the exhibitions offer the New Jersey Emerging Artists the opportunity to share insights on their work.

The Monmouth Museum, founded in 1963 as a Museum of Ideas, presents changing art, history and science exhibitions to educate and entertain while providing a destination for creative expression and life-long learning to the diverse community it serves. Imaginative and informative changing exhibitions in the Main Gallery and Nilson Gallery present a wide variety of art in all media.

The Monmouth Museum, an independent, non-profit organization, is located at 765 Newman Springs Road, in Lincroft, NJ. For hours and more information about the Monmouth Museum exhibits and programs visit the website at: www.monmouthmuseum.org or call 732-747-2266. You can also find them on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn and Pinterest.

Museum Gallery Hours: Tuesday-Saturday 10am-5pm; Sunday 12pm-5pm.

###

Lisa Lackey 6 AV LCL.png

6 AV LCL, Closeup

6 AV LCL_full.png

6 AV LCL, Fullsize, Fabric and thread on canvas, 36″ x 36″

Selfie 053115.png

Selfie 053115, Fabric and thread on canvas, 16″ x 12″

 

Travel to Havana from the Comforts of Home with a Classic Mojito and PBS Special “Weekend in Havana”

With the premiere of WEEKEND IN HAVANA on PBS coming up July 18th, we’re cooling off your summer with this delicious WEEKEND IN HAVANA Classic Mojito recipe provided by wttw.com/weekendinhavana!

Mojito_brian.jpg

The Classic Mojito

The cleanest, most refreshing Cuban cooler is, hands down, the mojito. During Hemingway’s time in Havana, he reportedly enjoyed his at La Bodeguita del Medio, where cantineros are said to have been the first to muddle mint into the cocktail. Some Havana restaurants, including Dona Eutimia’s, off Plaza Catedral, serve a frappé version, another delicious way to beat the Havana heat.

  • 2 teaspoons sugar
  • Juice of one half of a lime
  • 2 sprigs mint
  • 1 shot white rum
  • 2 shots sparkling water

Mix the sugar and lime juice, then muddle the mint into the mixture. Mix in the rum. Add ice and sparkling water.

Journey to the heart of Cuba’s magical city during a WEEKEND IN HAVANA

Premieres Tuesday, July 18, 2017 at 8:00 pm Eton PBS as part of the “PBS Summer of Adventure”

(CHICAGO) June 8, 2017 — Travel with host Geoffrey Baer to explore the heart of Cuba’s magical capital city, now open to American tourists after more than 50 years. Three young locals — architect and restorationist Daniel de la Regata; Irene Rodriguez, one of Cuba’s top flamenco dancers; and Grammy-nominated jazz pianist Roberto Fonseca — serve as enthusiastic guides, allowing viewers to experience this vibrant and historic place through the eyes of those who love and call it home. Produced by WTTW Chicago, directed by Leo Eaton, co-written by Eaton and Geoffrey Baer, and produced by Donn Rogosin, Dan Soles and Hugo Perez, WEEKEND IN HAVANA WITH GEOFFREY BAER premieres Tuesday, July 18, 2017, 8:00-9:00 p.m. (check local listings) on PBS. Also available for viewing on wttw.com/weekendinhavana, the documentary is part of the “PBS Summer of Adventure,” a lineup of programs designed to take families on exciting adventures around the world.

Geoffrey, host of the 10 That Changed America series about game-changing buildings, homes, parks and towns as well as more than 20 specials on Chicago history and architecture, takes to the streets of Havana with his guides and new fast friends, Daniel, Irene, and Roberto. After meeting up at a café in Cathedral Plaza in Old Havana, he is given a whirlwind tour of Cuba’s fascinating and colorful history, a hands-on introduction to Afro-Cuban music and dance, a primer on Havana’s varied architecture and efforts being made to restore many of the city’s ruins, and an inside look at how everyday Cubans live in this “old city trying to find its place in the modern world,” a land off-limits to Americans for decades.

The immersive website for WEEKEND IN HAVANA WITH GEOFFREY BAER will take visitors on a weekend tour in text, sound, images, video and VR/360 around Havana. The mobile tour explores the culture, sights, and Cuban rhythms of this unique and mysterious place. Also featured will be side trips to visit Hemingway’s Cuba, see how Cuban cigars are made, learn how to make the perfect mojito, explore baseball in Cuba, and a timeline of US/Cuba relations. Geoffrey Baer’s travel journal will feature his favorite photos and memories from the trip.

Guided by his new friends, Geoffrey witnesses the nightly firing of the cannon at the fortress of San Carlos de la Cabana; visits Plaza de Armas, the city’s first public square; rides in a 1950s-era red Chevrolet on a journey through Havana’s breathtaking but sometimes crumbling architecture; and meets an auto mechanic charged with keeping many of Havana’s vintage automobiles in running order. He also takes a wild ride in a “coco taxi,” a small yellow vehicle sans seatbelts that looks like a coconut, and gets an overview of the vivid local arts scene, which includes street musicians along El Malecón’s crowded sea wall. He dines in one of the city’s many paladars (intimate family restaurants in what were once private homes), and hobnobs with the fashionable young crowd at La Fabrica, a series of art galleries, bars and performance spaces located in an old factory.

Geoffrey also visits a ruined sugar plantation where African slaves once toiled and takes part in a present-day Santeria ritual in a private home. From Roberto and his band, Geoffrey gets a quick tutorial on Afro-Cuban percussion at the famous Studio Areito, one of the oldest surviving recording studios in the world. After a visit to the U.S. Embassy, Geoffrey watches young athletes taking part in America’s and Cuba’s joint national pastime, baseball, unearths some reminders of the turbulent Cuban Revolution era, and is granted rare access to one of Havana’s most important restoration projects: El Capitolio, Cuba’s Capitol building, modeled after the U.S. Capitol in Washington, D.C. He also imbibes at one of Ernest Hemingway’s favorite watering holes and boats out to the small fishing village of Cojimar, the setting for The Old Man and the Sea, where he tours Hemingway’s house with co-producer Hugo Perez.

Geoffrey checks out the glitzy floorshow at the Tropicana nightclub, and ends his journey at La Guarida’s rooftop piano bar, perched atop a crumbling mansion. With Roberto’s band playing in the background, he reflects on the new understanding he has gained of Havana. “This production was unlike any other,” said Geoffrey, “a journey I will never forget. I really feel that I left a piece of my heart in Havana, along with the wonderful friends I made and the magical experiences they gave me. I hope audiences enjoy this trip as much as I did!”

“For me, this is a show about the spirit of the people of Havana,” said director/writer Leo Eaton. “Their warmth and hospitality — especially from our guides — made this film possible, and it was a real pleasure to tell their story.”

For Executive Producer Dan Soles, Senior Vice President and Chief Television Content Officer at WTTW in Chicago, this project was a dream come true. “As a second generation Cuban-American, traveling to Havana meant so much. It was a thrill to see this amazing place with my own eyes and meet some of the remarkable people leading Cuba into the future.”

WEEKEND IN HAVANA WITH GEOFFREY BAER is directed by Leo Eaton, hosted by Geoffrey Baer, co-written by Leo Eaton and Geoffrey Baer, and produced by Donn Rogosin and Hugo Perez. The Executive Producer is Dan Soles.

WEEKEND IN HAVANA WITH GEOFFREY BAER is made possible, in part, by The Joseph & Bessie Feinberg Foundation.

A full press release is here:
Weekend in Havana Press Release

Contact: CaraMar, Inc.

Mary Lugo, 770-623-8190; lugo@negia.net

Cara White, 843-881-1480; cara.white@mac.com

Weekend in HavanaGeoffrey Baer and Daniel de la Regata restoration architect.jpeg

Weekend in Havana – Geoffrey Baer and Daniel de la Regata restoration architect (Photo courtesy of WTTW and Brian Canelles)

 

Weekend in HavanaDaniel de la Regata restoration architect with Geoffrey Baer at Plaza de la CatedralPhoto WTTW and Brian Canelles.jpeg

Weekend in Havana – Daniel de la Regata restoration architect with Geoffrey Baer at Plaza de la Catedral (Photo courtesy of WTTW and Brian Canelles)

Weekend in HavanaRoberto Fonseca musician with Geoffrey BaerPhoto WTTW and Hugo Perez.jpg

Weekend in Havana – Roberto Fonseca musician with Geoffrey Baer (Photo courtesy of WTTW and Hugo Perez)

Weekend in Havana_Geoffrey Baer high above Havana Harbor_Photo WTTW and Brian Canelles.jpg

Weekend in Havana – Geoffrey Baer high above Havana Harbor (Photo courtesy of WTTW and Brian Canelles)

How To Run A Business While Traveling

by Jamie Perkins, welovecostarica.com

Traveling and managing your business was a far too difficult journey in the past, but the development of technology and wide use of the Internet have opened doors to this opportunity. This doesn’t mean that it doesn’t come with any challenges, because it does. However, there are ways on how you can effectively manage your business while maximizing your travel experience.

One of the many concerns that you might face with this set up is with your personal relationship, especially if you have a partner or a family of your own. You’ll need time to be together. So, unless you are traveling with them, a good thing to do is to travel six months and spend the next six months at home. This will not only let you spend the quality time you need with your loved ones, but it will also prevent you from feeling burnout from traveling.

The Internet plays a major role when traveling and managing your business at the same time, as you can communicate and connect with your employees, suppliers, clients, and other people you need to contact wherever you are in the world. Determine the tools that you can use for communication, including Trello, Skype, Slack, and more, and make good use of them.

To help you make the most out of your travel, while ensuring that your business is well taken care of, browse the infographics below. It contains helpful tips on how you can effectively manage your business while traveling.

How To Run A Business While Traveling (PbS)

The World’s Most Powerful Women In Tech 2016

By: Sarah, sarah@thepersonalincome.org

Back in the old days, women were treated as inferior than men. Many believed that women were powerless and unable to handle manly jobs. Men were thought to be more functional compared to women, and the reason is because men are supposedly tougher physically and emotionally.

However, in the past few decades, you would notice that here has been a big development for women when it comes to employment and leadership. Gender is no longer being used as a factor to determine if a person is equipped with the proper skills and knowledge to perform or lead. Looking at current events, you would see that in some countries, people are appointing female leaders and some big companies in the world are being managed by women, same goes in the science industry.

Technology is widely known to be a man’s world, but who would have thought that even the tech industry can also be led by powerful women? Although women are engaging themselves to different fields of work, they are still having second thoughts in entering the world of technology, mainly because of lack of confidence and being scared of failure.

Well, that should not be the case. If women are given the advantage, they can become more excellent leaders compared to men. Women are better communicators and are more passionate to their employees.

We have prepared a graphic containing a list of the most powerful women of the world in the tech field in 2016. May this serve as a motivation to every woman out there.

Here is the graphic.

Another Guide to Meditation

by Justine Manley aka The Shy Shaman

You are sitting on the floor with your legs crossed. The sound of running water streams out of the laptop behind you. You eagerly await your spiritual connection. Completely ready to learn the secrets of the universe through quiet introspection…but your mind has other plans.

Your brain is a pot of squirming worms, each one screaming out a different interesting fact or inappropriate comment. When one finally stops another takes its place and you find yourself desperately trying to silence the worms when you should be focusing on gardening.

This happens to everyone at first. Like nearly everything in life, the only remedy is practice. The “monkey mind” will lessen with each attempt but you must be diligent and take the time to do it regularly. There are several other things you can try to make the process easier.

 

1. Incense

Using the same fragrance each time you meditate is helpful in conditioning your mind to associate the smell with a calm state of mind. Each time you successfully make a breakthrough you will smell that lavender, ylang ylang or what ever scent pleases your nose most. It will make it easier to reach the same state again if you begin with your incense lighting ritual.

2. Observing the silent breath

Begin by breathing silently. Simply allow your breathing to flow in and out as it wishes. I breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth but you do whatever feels the most natural to you. The only thing you need to focus on is making the breaths completely silent. 

Now pay close attention to each breath as it moves in and out and notice that you are watching and listening to something that cannot be seen and that has no sound. Keep doing this for as long as you like.

3. Allow your thoughts

Trying to force the thoughts out of focus is futile. You will reach a point when you can switch them off easily but even then, the occasional straggler still pops up. 

A very handy trick I learned was listening to the thoughts as though they’re just random noises, beep bop boop! Ghsjshs jajsjal djdmmoo. Don’t translate them, these thoughts don’t mean anything. Just allow them to pass by the same way you hear bird calls or a kettle boiling. The insight you are waiting for is nothing like these thoughts. It is a deep knowing that you will feel in your core. 

4. Use sound as a distraction

If you are still struggling with the mind frenzy, there is another trick you may find helpful. Making a rhythmic sound during meditation is a perfect way to redirect your focus. You can chant “AUM”, “AHH”, “Boogadidy woogadidy”, anything you like at a regular interval. 

The words are irrelevant just make them resonate in your chest. When you speak you project sound outward but when you make this sound, imagine the sound waves coming back into your centre instead of out into the world. 

Drumming is another great way to do this. Turn a cardboard box upside down, use a tin or just thump the carpet, whatever works. There is no right or wrong rhythm either and you can switch it up during. Drumming is a very powerful tool and concentrating on that sound and the energy behind it is very helpful for thought silencing.

5. Realise that there is no goal in meditation other than meditation

If you go into a meditative state with the intention of achieving anything you will fail. You are learning how to listen and that happens once the inner-voice falls silent. 

Enjoy the serene feeling you get from the practice. Enjoy the few moments peace from your talkative ego but know that answers will only come when you are ready and cannot be forced. Don’t let this deter your determination though because when they do come it is one of the best feelings in existence. 

You could always ask a specific question and see if you get an answer but asking is pointless because you already know what you what to know. You as the asker already know what your question is and you already know the answer.  Just be and if something comes out of it, great! If it doesn’t it’s still great because you are getting better at listening each time you try.

 

There are many other techniques to achieve inner knowing and stillness. Listen to the world outside of yourself without defining each sound with a name, trace an interesting texture with your fingertips while you follow breath, chant mantras, count beads, it doesn’t matter. The important things are consistency and enjoyment. May the path back to yourself be winding and blindingly beautiful.

 

theshyshaman.com

How To Get Screwed By The System

Holy hell friends, have I got a how-to for you. Angry Ian is driving, so buckle up as tight as you possibly can. All strapped in? Good, ‘cause we’re about to get violent up in here.

But first, some soothing backstory. I’m a college student. I’m a college student who’s about to graduate. I’m a college student who’s about to graduate with a B.F.A. (Bachelor’s of Fine Arts) in Acting. This is the part where established adults ask, “So what do you want to do with that?” When I say that I want to go into film acting (or really, if I say anything at all) they follow with, “Oh, okay. So what’s your backup?” Then I tell them that backups are for chumps, punch them in the face, and ride into the sunset on my hover board, flipping the bird to all and sundry.

Or at least, that’s what happens in my head.

So to begin with, I’m looking at little to no support for my prospective career path from most adults in this world. Totally fine, I can handle that shit. I know that I’ll be making damn near no money when I get out of school, even if I do wrangle a money job or two.

But then, this college thing; it costs money, y’know? Like, an ungodly amount of money. So much money that I can’t even conceive of how some people pay for college upfront. I’ve got a hefty amount of scholarships because I put just enough work in in high school, but I’ve still got (four year total here) tens of thousands in loans both to the government (hey, Big Brother!) and to private assholes like Sallie Mae.

Let’s add that all up then: I’m planning on going into a very competitive, low-paying field (that I have a passion and training for, mind you) when I graduate, after which I’ll need to pay for housing and basic needs (food, mostly) by acquiring one (or two) money jobs, while at the same time paying off my megatons worth of student loans and trying to maintain some semblance of happiness and sanity in my life. Have I mentioned that jobs are hella-difficult to come by when all you’ve done for six years is work as a lifeguard at various pools?

I’ve gotta tell you, friends; it’s kind of a bleak outlook. Living at home is out of the question, my parents are public school teachers, and I’ve got no rich aunts or grandparents, so I’m about as on my own as it gets. Even with a paying job, I’m in the hole ‘til the loans are paid off (and stop accruing a daily interest of almost two dollars), which is unlikely to be anytime prior to my death. AND I actually plan on having a family at some point in my life; how the fuck am I gonna support that?

Guys, gals—people have told us all our lives that to do what you want, to get a good job, you HAVE to go to college. Although that’s painfully untrue, I’ve had a great four years here; I’ve been in shows, I went to New Zealand, and I met my significant other of almost two years (whom I love the most) here.

Now, money against experience, was it worth it?ecard I honestly can’t tell you, because I don’t know how I’m gonna fend out there. On darker nights like this one I find myself cursing the system that tells us we can do anything and then severs all lifelines the moment we reach for them. I find myself despairing that I’ll be homeless and broke in a couple years, unable to support myself, much less anyone else. The shackles of loans weigh heavily, friends, and I haven’t even started paying them off yet.

Older generations speak of us as being greedy; they call Millennials self-centered and the “Me” generation. But I find that, if one simply asks us what we want, the responses are remarkably simple. “I want my own apartment.” “I want to pay off my loans.” “I want a job that I can enjoy.”

On nights like this I can get lost in the fears and the woes and the worries that plague our generation more than any other in our nation’s history. Collective student debt is in the trillions, and unemployment rates and depression among young adults are higher than they’ve ever been.

But there’s something that I tend to overlook on nights like this. I forget that it’s not just me, that we’re all having these struggles to stay afloat. We know who we are. And we have to know that we’re together. So when you find yourself getting angry about all the injustices that we face when we’re literally just trying to survive in corporate capitalist America, call up a friend or two, or twelve. Get angry together.

We’ve all seen the power of people tired of being screwed over who rally to a cause. The system is big and the system is scary, but we can be scary too. And here’s the thing: we’re the ones in the right.

Don’t let the nights like this eat you up, because then they win.

Start something. Who knows what you’ll do.

How to Climb a Mountain

by Ian Agnew

1. Rethink your decision to climb a mountain.

2. After rethinking your decision to climb a mountain, decide to do it anyway, despite the fact that the most exercise you get on a regular basis is carrying groceries up the massive hills of wherever you live (which may or may not be Wellington, New Zealand). If you actually are fit enough to climb a mountain, do not climb a mountain; you could probably impress people just as easily by showing off your muscles or something.

3. Assure yourself that you’re more than capable of climbing a mountain; after all, you once completed a half marathon without training for it at all (note: it is key that you disregard the fact that you wanted to die at the end of said half marathon and were in pain for days afterward; also, your 15-year-old brother finished before you).

4. DO NOT PACK UNTIL THE DAY YOU LEAVE FOR SAID MOUNTAIN-CLIMBING. This step is essential, as packing any time before this date could render you too prepared, and will detract from the necessary experiences of dehydration, sunburn, delirium, etc. If a friend asks you to bring something for them, simply laugh, put on sunglasses, and pee on them (effective for/on both genders).

5. Arrive at the mountain early in the morning wearing too many layers of clothes, because your friends told you to. Do not worry about overheating; within the first hour of the climb, you’ll step off the trail a bit, strip down to your underwear, and only put back on the lightest pair of pants/shorts you have with you. It is important that you believe there will be no need to keep warm later on in the day.

6. Now you must actually climb the mountain. Keys to this step are: stopping every 5 to 10 minutes because one of your friends is somehow more out of shape than you are, not wearing enough sunscreen (even spf 50 didn’t cut it), and regretting your decision to climb said mountain immensely.

7. If you make it to the top, congratulations! It’s freezing cold, despite it having been sweltering 20 minutes ago; by no means should you attempt to warm yourself. Simply sit there, sore and in pain, while you wait for the rest of your friends to make it up because you ran ahead and just wanted to be done with the thing (of course, that’s if you have friends).

8. Once you’ve been sitting there, in the frozen crater of what you’ve now been told is a dormant volcano, begin to think about the trip down and pray for a gondola or helicopter or flying bison to come and make your life easier. None of these will appear, but it is important that you create false hope for yourself.

9. Begin the climb down while attempting to wingman for your friend, as the girl he likes has come on this trip with you. Don’t worry about his constant slipping and falling ungracefully; these only add to his desirability in her eyes. After you’ve made it down a ways, it is important that you feel as though you’re going to die, mostly because you ran out of water two-thirds of the way up, but also because your limbs are telling you that you’re going to die.

10. Somehow, miraculously, make it to the bottom first, hobble into the visitor’s center, and spend five minutes at the water fountain before everyone else; this solidifies your status as “Biggest Asshole” of the day. Take off your socks and hobble everywhere like an old man/woman while complaining endlessly about all of the pain you’re in.

 

Congratulations! You’ve climbed a mountain! Now forget all your pain and suffering and go climb another one next weekend.